2017.12.31: The one constant in my life: Others
Dear Journal,
If I try to recall the one constant in my life, I can only come up with a single item: people. I don't necessarily mean the people that surround me. In fact, that has been fluid and dynamic. The people that surround me change as quickly as the seasons. However, the theme of people is what I'm considering in this entry. I can't seem to move my mind away from the thought of people. I've found myself rather lonely in recent months and I've come to learn this is a sentiment felt by many. It's especially common among those who graduate and find a job away from home. This demographic is at an increased risk of loneliness, a particularly interesting feeling. The feeling is generally self induced. If we don't want to feel lonely we need to stop being so selective and go find someone that makes us feel less lonely. There's millions of people out there, and all we need to do is go find one. In general, we will get along with a far wider range of people we ever thought possible, too. For instance, I discount people based on their line of work quite often, but someone's line of work almost never indicates the full array of someone's personality. I'm prejudice against those I have no reason to be prejudice against. These 'filters' make us lonely. In short, we choose to be lonely and selective of those we spend our time with. If we want to resolve loneliness, we simply need to summon the courage to partake in social interactions in public places (god forbid).
Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, I think about people all day long. How are people going to use my product. How are people going to like my product. Why would a person do something this way instead of that way. Will people like this or that. How can I engage people. How can I delight people. How can I recruit people. How can I enchant people. I'm constantly asking myself how will people interact with me, and how can I make that interaction better. On top of that, I question how they perceive me, and if I can't help them, can they help me? Is this crazy? Am I crazy? Probably, but the point is, I can't get enough of people, and I think I want to lead people. I think I want to help people. If I die, what will I have left behind for the people that matter most? I think these thoughts everyday and regularly bring myself to tears because I can't stand the fact that I might disappoint the world around me. I don't believe we have a purpose or anything, but I don't care at this point! There's people out there I can help, and there's people out there that want help. And at the same time, I'm just sitting here writing software and words in a journal that may never be read by those who could use it. Maybe I'm selfish, maybe I don't actually care about people, but it comes from a selfish motivation of wanting to be loved. Right? Don't you love when someone helps you? When someone takes their time to make your life easier? It's wonderful!
Maybe loneliness makes us crave that feeling of being wanted. Maybe that's what loneliness is. The want to be wanted. Y'know, I've been through unexpected loss of a loved one, and maybe that just changes us in ways that are necessarily permanent. Like scars. Physical scars change our appearance for some lasting amount of time. It would make sense that mental scars would change the way we experience life. And maybe that makes me crave people because I'm intimately familiar with the fact that death is ever so close. With death a moment away, it's increasingly important to seek out those that could help us, and likewise, seek out those we could help. Because our time here is short. We need to make this moment last. I hope I may help, engage, enchant, and delight those I interact with. I believe that is my main goal and motivation in moving forward. And for as long as I can remember, it has been no different.
Sincerely,
Alex